Two Paths Toward Optimism

This is the third in a series on optimism.

A psychologist told me about a colleague’s first meeting with a client. The client was a hard-driving, perfectionist New York City executive who felt the need to change his ways. He sought a therapist and several friends suggested the same person, so he called her office for an appointment. He was told the earliest opening was four months away, and he took it. On the morning of the appointment, he ran into terrible traffic. He got frustrated, furious, (he was used to being in control), and ended up 20 minutes late.

He rushed into the therapist’s office, sat down breathless, and started apologizing profusely. After a minute or two he paused. The therapist smiled and said, “But you made it!”

Sometime later he told friends he was relieved and grateful for that reaction, but mostly surprised. “I never imagined this kind response! It opened me up to all kinds of new and different thoughts and ideas.” The man realized how much his perfectionist standards were weighing him down. “In the past all I could do was battle against myself. My therapist showed me how I could focus more usefully. Not on my mistakes, which was always my pattern, but on the power of working towards something better. She was focused on my strengths.”

The harried exec’s experience reflects two of the strategies for developing optimism:

1. Reflect on the things you do that bring you down; look for alternatives.

This may seem obvious. But some people aren’t aware of their depressing habits. For instance, many have become obsessed with bad news. Unfortunately, the wizards who create social media know how to get us hooked by continually feeding us negative stories. There’s a term for this: “doomscrolling.” The medias’ algorithms feed us more of what we click on, and (sadly) some people get addicted.

Sometimes we need others to help us escape this negative cycle. In the award-winning film “The King’s Speech” the son of a British king is petrified about succeeding his father because of a life-long stammer. A warm but firm tutor helps him reduce his stammer. He also realizes that the future king is weighed down by thoughts of his overbearing father. Then the man becomes king, and is paralyzed at the thought of giving a speech that the country expects.

The king: Is the nation ready for two minutes of radio silence?

The tutor: Every stammerer is afraid of going back to step one; I don’t let that happen.

King: I could give a Christmas speech.

Tutor: Like your dad used to do.

King: Precisely. (he looks depressed)

Tutor: He’s not here anymore.

King: Yes he is, he’s on the shilling I gave you (the tutor had loaned him a shilling; British coins carry the images of past leaders)

Tutor: Easy enough to give away. You don’t have to carry him around in your pocket anymore. You don’t need to be afraid of the things you were afraid of when you were five … You’re very much your own man now.

Previously, the new king assumed his father would always control his thoughts and actions. But he trusted his tutor and took his words to heart. He worked hard and improved his speech, which helped him get his father’s long-time criticisms out of his head. And with war looming, he successfully gave a speech that lifted the nation’s confidence in him.

You might be thinking, I’ve tried to let go of my negative habits, but they persist. Now what? Fair question. I recently had a client who was being stalked online. It was horrific. For months the stalker wrote things like, “I know where you live. I know about your kids [and he named them], and where they go after school … here’s what I’m going to do to them when you’re not looking …” Her attorney ultimately found the man and he’s now in prison, but until then her life was hell.

She finally found a way to stop obsessing all day by using the “Las Vegas rule.” That’s what many gamblers do before a night at the casino; they decide to stop gambling once they lose a certain amount of money. My client applied that rule to time; she gave herself 15 minutes every morning to rant, rage, scream, write down her fantasies of capturing and killing the stalker … and then she went to work with her mind cleared. She couldn’t eliminate her obsession, but she did contain it.

If you have trouble letting go of negative thoughts, try the “Las Vegas rule.”

2. Reframe: Make something meaningful out of the experience.

The story of the therapist’s comment to her client is a wonderful example of reframing: “But you made it!” She didn’t deny his late arrival; she understood New York traffic but was more interested in the fact that he persisted and got to the meeting.

Numerous schools have used reframing to help struggling students improve in class. They’ve changed their grading system: instead of A, B, C, D, F, it’s now A, B, C, D, and NY. “NY”? That stands for Not Yet. The teachers aren’t pretending that a lousy paper or exam is good. They’re telling the student, “It’s not good, yet; but I have confidence that you can improve it.”

These schools are helping students reframe how they think about their academic performance, and there’s considerable evidence that it’s working. This short video describes the power of “yet,” in the classroom and elsewhere.

Here’s a different reframing example, one that includes both the first and second strategies. A friend of mine went through a messy, angry divorce. Whenever she thought about her ex she got furious. When her son Billy talked about missing his dad, she had trouble empathizing. She knew that Billy needed to hear good comments about his dad but she couldn’t provide them. Not, that is, until she had a powerful insight: “I realized one day that my most important job was to help Billy’s dad be the best co-parent he could be. It’s the most important because that’s what Billy needs.’”

Reframing can help us identify what’s most important in our lives.

She’d been putting her needs above her son’s. Once she reframed the goal, she was surprised how quickly her mindset and behaviors changed. She verbally patted herself on the back whenever she told Billy he had a good dad, whenever she helped her ex find fun activities to do with Billy.

Finally, using humor can be an excellent way to reframe situations and maintain optimism. Humor helps us get above the situation and detach from problems over which we have no control. John Kennedy was a master at this. He developed a sense of humor as a child when he experienced serious illnesses and found that humor helped distract him. Years later during the 1960 election campaign his opponents kept complaining about the Kennedy family’s wealth. During one speech he addressed the issue head-on: “I just received a wire from my generous dad. ‘Dear Jack, don’t buy a single vote more than is necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide!’”

Needless to say, none of his opponents dared bring up his wealth again.

Nelson Mandela: From Angry Freedom Fighter to Optimistic Statesman

This is the second in a series on optimism.

“The young man who went into prison was hot-headed, tempestuous, self-involved, not anything like the Nelson Mandela who emerged. Prison burned all of those excesses away.” That’s what Rick Stengel, former editor of Time magazine, said about Mandela. “Prison made the Nelson Mandela we know today. I asked him how prison had changed him; he said, ‘I came out mature.’”

    Mandela spent 27 years in prison, often laboring in the sweltering sun that damaged his eyesight. He’d been a militant who thought brute force was the only way to end the vicious system of apartheid. How did Mandela evolve from a vengeful, defiant prisoner who scorned his jailers, into a thoughtful man who befriended his jailers, developed the negotiating skills of a seasoned statesman and convinced the all-white government to hold democratic elections? His story reflects some of the important strategies for attaining optimism in very difficult times.

Mandela had been given a life sentence. With no idea when, if ever, he’d be a free man he reflected on his life and the costs of being an activist: his kids didn’t know him; his wife (with whom he spent precious little time) had to do everything for the family; he had become an angry, bitter man. As he told Oprah Winfrey in 2001, “Before I went to jail I was busy from 7 A.M. until midnight. I never had time to sit and think … But in a single cell in prison I had time to reflect. I had a clear view of my past and present, and I found that my past left much to be desired, both in regard to my relations with other humans and in developing personal worth.”

Mandela used his 27 years in prison to reflect on his life, and decided he had to change

He realized he had to let go of his vengefulness and decided to embark in what he later called “the most difficult task in life…changing yourself.” Rather than let the brutal experience of his tiny jail cells discourage or embitter him, he found ways to make it meaningful:

• He analyzed the routines of prison life and saw that it was all designed to break the inmates’ spirits. Thus, as he put it, “the challenge is how to survive prison intact, how to conserve and even replenish one’s beliefs.”
• He and his fellow inmates agreed to share any information they had, every bit of knowledge they gained about the prison warders (South African term for prison guards). That way, Mandela said, “We gained strength from each other.”
• He spent time studying law, and urged other inmates to study. He earned a law degree, and used his legal knowledge to help other prisoners with their legal appeals.
• He studied the warders and found ways to connect with some of them – reading newspapers to the illiterate ones, talking about rugby, asking about their families.
• He and his colleagues kept up with current events by grabbing every newspaper that their warders left.
• He maintained a focused attitude;  they would make the best use of their prison time, share information and learn from each other to be better leaders once released.

Nelson Mandela was a unique individual. That said, the approaches he used during his prison years can help all of us be more optimistic:

• Look forward: stop doing things that bring you down
• Reframe: make something meaningful out of the challenge
• Connect with people and activities that give you energy
• Be forgiving of yourself and others; let go of perfectionism
• Focus on what’s at the core of your life
• Remember: Attitude is a choice

Let’s look at each:

Reflect on the things you do that bring you down: look for alternatives. Mandela saw that his militant strategy wasn’t helping his people, and his lifestyle had damaged him and his family. He made a commitment to improve himself and searched for a better strategy to end apartheid.

Reframe: make something meaningful out of the challenge. Rather than let the drudgery of prison life embitter him, he developed numerous ways to make it a positive, learning experience – for himself and his fellow inmates.

Connect with people and activities that give you energy. Mandela’s efforts to learn the law and use his knowledge to help other inmates gave his prison life a sense of meaning and purpose. He was energized by the way “the stronger ones raised up the weaker ones,” as he wrote in his autobiography.

Be forgiving of yourself and others; let go of perfectionism. Before prison he sought radical change and had little use for others who chose a different path. As he matured he discovered more pragmatic strategies. He preached that “Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That’s why it is such a powerful weapon.” And he strongly backed the Truth and Reconciliation Commission that allowed those guilty of abuses to request amnesty.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That’s why it is such a powerful weapon.”

Focus on what’s at the core of your life. Mandela was passionate about helping people of color in South Africa gain their freedom and their rights. That was his north star. Then as president he widened that focus and demonstrated his commitment to the rights and dignity of all people. Doing so disappointed his most militant supporters, but saved the country from civil war.

Attitude is a choice. Despite terrible prison conditions, Mandela chose to treat his warders with respect. He maintained his own self-respect and dignity, and soon learned that many of the warders respected his strength and gave him and others extra privileges.

It’s important to note that Mandela didn’t begin his time in prison by wondering how he could be happier and more optimistic. No, he began by asking how he could improve his life and that of the other inmates. As he started changing his behaviors and attitudes, he made progress; first with fellow inmates, then with his warders, then the prison superintendent, and ultimately with South Africa’s leaders. Happiness and optimism followed. It’s a remarkable legacy.

How Can We Retain Optimism in Troubling Times?

This is the first in a series on optimism.

On Feb. 27, 2024, Daniel Gwynn walked out of prison a free man after serving almost 30 years for a crime he didn’t commit. The prosecutors withheld evidence that could have exonerated him. This has happened to countless others, and many of them become hopeless and embittered. Not Daniel Gwynn. He maintained a “light within him” and kept his hopes up despite a prison life he described as “sitting here trapped in a box where the days tick away and the walls close in like a trash compacter.” How did he do it?

It began when he learned to paint (by reading self-help books). He wrote that it became his therapy, “a form of meditation that helped me work through my issues.” But it was more than that. He entered art competitions and raised money to help mentally ill prisoners and family members of murder victims. Gwynn wrote, “Where I once thought that all hope was lost, I’ve been able to open my heart to a variety of good people who had the courage and compassion to take a chance on me. I don’t believe I could have survived this situation on my own.” 

In a word, Daniel Gwynn was optimistic.

Americans have historically been an optimistic people. The French philosopher Alexis de Tocqueville, writing about American in the 1830s, noted that “Americans all have a lively belief in the perfectibility of man … They all consider society as a body in a state of improvement.” I doubt that de Tocqueville would recognize America today. Consider:

• 77% of Americans are convinced crime is skyrocketing. They’re dead wrong. In 2023 the number of U.S. murders went down 13%, the largest drop on record. Other violent crimes also declined in significant numbers.

• A 2023 Gallup study found that 50% of Americans believe the media intend to misinform us.

• Americans are pessimistic about our major institutions. For 40 years Gallup has been monitoring trust in the presidency, police, big business, Congress, the Supreme Court, the military, small business and several others. Confidence has gone down in all but two of them: small business and the military.

• “Deaths of despair” – caused by drugs, suicide, alcohol poisoning – are at their highest level since records have been kept. Some sociologists posit that the underlying cause is a sense that one’s long-term social and economic prospects are bleak. Interestingly, a study of 16 other wealthy countries that found a decrease in such deaths, perhaps due to the fact that they provide more communal support than we do.

77% of Americans are convinced crime is skyrocketing. They’re dead wrong.

And here’s the irony: If Americans have been losing confidence in our institutions and in our country’s future for some time, others see us quite differently. A 2022 Pew Research Center study in 17 countries showed that 61% of respondents have a positive view of the U.S.

So what? Why worry about Americans’ pessimism?

The fact is, we Americans prefer leaders who are optimists. Our most popular presidents – Lincoln, FDR, Jefferson, Truman, Eisenhower, Teddy Roosevelt, among others – were optimists. They reflected America’s can-do spirit, the belief that tomorrow can be better than today and that we can make it so. When most people have some trust in their government, they’re more likely to pay their taxes, follow advice about vaccines, believe their elections are fair.

Optimism is also critical for social change. It took the suffrage movement 70 years for women to get the vote. It took 127 years to abolish slavery (the first known abolitionist activity was in 1738), 100 years to end segregation, decades to give women and gays equal rights (and we’re not finished). These movements’ leaders had to be optimists. How else could they keep fighting when their opponents put up barriers every step of the way?

Americans prefer optimistic leaders

Our lack of optimism also harms us at the personal level. Researchers have learned that compared to others, optimists:

• Live longer
• Have a higher sense of mental and physical well being
• Recover faster from many illnesses
• Are more engaged and productive at work
• Are more resilient; they bounce back from misfortune more frequently.

What causes pessimism at the personal level?

Lots of things. Consider the media: negative stories have far more impact than positive ones. And when we click on a negative story, the website’s algorithm remembers that and sends us more of the same. That can lead to “doomscrolling;” continually surfing the web for awful stories. And let’s face it; there’s lots of scary news these days. Becoming consumed with terrible news saps our energy and harms our mental health. Genetic factors also play a role with some people. And people who’ve had traumatic experiences are more prone to pessimism.

“Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their demons.” – Denzel Washington

In addition, pessimism has likely been a factor in our species’ survival. Our ancient ancestors who were constantly alert to threats were more likely to survive. If you have a friend or colleague who routinely comes up with 7 reasons why your new idea is likely to fail, don’t label them an impossible skeptic. They’re doing what many are wired to do; anticipating and avoiding problems. And it’s just possible that they’ve spotted an issue you haven’t seen. It turns out there are downsides to being an optimist; one is the tendency to miss warning signs.

Let’s get back to Daniel Gwynn, the man who was wrongfully imprisoned. He didn’t spend 30 years in a positive frame of mind. Far from it, he was frequently down. Optimism isn’t about putting on a happy face every day; it’s about hope for the future which helps us be resilient and look for ways to move forward. In Daniel’s case, his optimism helped him develop artistic talent, which gave him positive energy. It gave him a reason to get out of bed each morning. It helped him focus on others’ problems and provided a sense of purpose amidst so much despair.

How can we retain some optimism in these troubling times? I’ll offer several ways in upcoming blogs.

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Russ Linden is a leadership educator. His latest book: Loss and Discovery: What the Torah Can Teach Us about Leading Change [more info]

On Memory: Why Do We Sometimes Revise History?

In 2003, NBC correspondent Brian Williams was assigned to cover the invasion of Iraq. At one point he filed a startling report about riding in a helicopter while grenades were fired at it from the ground. His helicopter was hit and had to make an emergency landing. Sometime later Williams expanded on that story, saying that a helicopter in front of his was also hit. Years later he changed the story again; this time his helicopter and three others near his made an emergency landing and were stuck in the Iraqi desert for three days in a blinding sandstorm.

It sounded terrifying, until some soldiers who’d been in one of the helicopters that was hit by enemy fire spoke up. They said Williams had it wrong. The helicopter he was in was miles from where the shooting took place. Williams issued an apology, saying he had “embellished” some of the story. NBC suspended him. Then he issued a full apology for the numerous errors in his reports. After NBC investigated his reporting, it fired him.

Malcolm Gladwell, a respected author and speaker, talks about this story in his podcast “Revisionist History.” Given that title, you might think Gladwell was pleased that Williams apologized. But no. Quite the opposite! Memory is malleable, Gladwell insisted. And he pointed to research showing that when sudden, traumatic events occur our memories are extraordinarily inaccurate. “Williams was universally criticized,” Gladwell said. “Everyone assumed he deliberately lied. And that’s rubbish!”

Elizabeth Loftus, a leading memory researcher and a professor of law and cognitive science, agreed with Gladwell. “You’ve got all these people saying the guy [Williams] is a liar and convicting him of deliberate deception without considering an alternative hypothesis — that he developed a false memory.”

Our memories are, indeed, malleable, and that can have incredibly important consequences. One study showed that mistaken eyewitness identification is the leading cause of wrongful conviction – a contributing factor in 73 percent of cases in which the accused were later found innocent. In many instances, witnesses viewing people in a lineup are initially just mildly certain that they’ve identified the right person. Over time, however, they become increasingly convinced that they have the right one.

This confidence in our memories is striking. For instance: do you remember when you first learned of the space shuttle Challenger’s fatal mid-air disintegration on January 28, 1986? Researchers asked individuals on the day of the disaster to tell them when and how they had heard the report. The investigators then asked the same question of the same people two and three years later, and “found that by 1988 and 1989, not one of their 44 subjects remembered the Challenger’s explosion the same way they had in its immediate aftermath.” A New Yorker report of the study indicated that in terms of the individuals’ recollections for things like where they were and what they were doing, the average person scored less than three on a scale of one to seven. A quarter scored zero. But when asked about their confidence levels of their memories, they averaged 4.17 on a one to five scale.

In the Hebrew Bible, Moses seemed to have similar memory issues. In the book of Deuteronomy, during which Moses talks to the Israelites about many of the important events from the previous 40 years, he recalls history differently from what was written in the earlier books of the Bible. Not once or twice, but five times. In three of those instances, Moses puts himself in a more prominent or positive light than how the events were previously reported.

For instance: in Deuteronomy Moses tells the Israelites, “Because of you, God was incensed with me and said: You [Moses] shall not enter [the Promised Land].” But when this event is described earlier in the Torah, Moses is punished for an entirely different sin. When the people complained they lacked water, God tells Moses to speak to a rock and the rock will yield water. Instead, Moses strikes the rock twice, and God replies: “Because you did not trust Me enough to affirm My sanctity in the sight of the Israelite people, you shall not lead this congregation into the land that I have given them.”

How do we account for our memory problems (besides the obvious impact of aging)? A few possibilities:
1. We have a natural need to think well of ourselves.
The people who reported high confidence in their memory of where they were when the Challenger disaster occurred weren’t lying. They were convinced they had it right. And, perhaps, they didn’t want to appear uncertain of their reports; their self-concept required them to be confident.

2. Related to that, most of us want others to think well of us.
That’s one explanation why Moses re-wrote history several times in his final comments to the people. They were about to enter the Promised Land, and they were going without him. This was his last chance to influence them, so he needed to be seen as a credible leader. The Torah tells us Moses was the most modest of men. But he was also a human being with his own vulnerabilities. The people were continually complaining to Moses during the past four decades; some of them even rebelled against him and tried to take some of his power. As the noted Torah scholar Rabbi Art Green puts it, “I think it’s fair to say that Moses’ powers have diminished significantly. He feels like he is at his end. So now he makes a bold move. He retells it all, but tells it differently.”

3. There’s always more than one version of history.
The most respected historians select the facts they report because no book or series of books can contain all the known facts about complex situations. Historians need to decide what’s important, and what isn’t. As do we when recalling past events.

For instance, we’ve recently seen an uproar over one of Florida’s new textbook standards for middle school kids. It includes a statement that some slaves “developed skills that in some instances could be used for their personal benefit.” Did that happen to a few slaves who were ultimately freed? Let’s assume it did. Is this presumed fact something that should be in a textbook, given the enormous amount of information we have about the evils that affected all enslaved people? That’s what people are really arguing about: which facts about slavery are most relevant and should be in our textbooks, and which aren’t.

Likewise, when Moses tells the people in Deuteronomy that God wouldn’t let him enter the Promised Land because of something the people did, that doesn’t necessarily contradict what the text had earlier reported – that God’s anger at Moses was the cause. It’s possible God was angry at Moses, and also angry at the people, but it was only Moses’ misdeeds that are reported earlier. In other words, each version could be (partly) true. Moses, like all of us, was selective in reporting the facts.

Finally, here’s a story about a wonderful friend of mine. Bill Lucy was an excellent academic, and for a few years he was associate dean of the University of Virginia Architecture School. He was an able administrator. But one morning, Bill woke up with a start. “I missed the meeting with the dean,” he thought to himself. “It was an important one! And I was the one who requested the meeting!!” Bill quickly called the dean, apologized profusely, said that it wasn’t like him to miss a meeting; could they reschedule it? There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Then the dean replied, “But Bill! You were at the meeting!!”

Memory, as I said, is often malleable. If Moses forgot, or even deliberately changed, some of the past to help prepare the people for their next challenge, I think we can be forgiving about that. And when we revise parts of our past, as Brian Williams did, we may not be lying. We may simply be human.

When You’re Unfairly Criticized, “Don’t Fight Forces, Use Them”

On September 23, 1944, during a campaign stop, Franklin Roosevelt took great offense at criticisms made by his political opponents against his dog Fala. Here’s what he said:

“My opponents have not been content with attacks on me … they now include my little dog, Fala. Well, of course, I don’t resent attacks, and my family doesn’t resent attacks, but Fala does resent them! You know, Fala is Scotch, and being a Scottie, as soon as he learned that the Republican fiction writers in Congress had concocted a story that I’d left him behind on an Aleutian Island and had sent a destroyer back to find him—at a cost to the taxpayers of … twenty million dollars—his Scotch soul was furious! He has not been the same dog since. I am accustomed to hearing malicious falsehoods about myself … But I think I have a right to resent … libelous statements about my dog!”

The audience roared with laughter. His speech had been broadcast nationally on the radio. As you can imagine, his opponents decided to find other ways to attack the president.

(Hear FDR in his own words, it’s really powerful  —  scroll down toward the bottom)

Roosevelt had used a bit of “political jiu jitsu.” In jiu jitsu, you use your opponent’s movement against him. Here’s an example:

The all-white figure thrusts his right arm toward his opponent. His opponent diverts his arm, moving it in a circular motion around his own body, defeating the attack and putting the opponent in a weak position.

Jiu Jitsu is a wonderful example of an idea suggested by the eminent 20th century architect and innovator, Buckminster Fuller: “Don’t fight forces, use them.” He was talking about engineering, but I find it quite useful in other aspects of our lives. In my role as a management consultant, for instance, I sometimes encounter people who are quite cynical. Being a card-carrying optimist, this used to be a real downer for me. Then I discovered Fuller’s wise comment, and it totally changed my response. When working with a cynic now, I ask the person to take a look at a plan I’m putting together, and invite them to critique it for me. Since cynics love to be critics, they usually jump right in and note several possible weaknesses in the plan.

The result? The cynic’s involved in a helpful way. He might have improved the plan. And I’m feeling good. I’ve “used” the cynic’s “force” rather than fighting it, to my advantage.

Other examples of “using” forces rather than fighting them:

• Try “Let’s play this out.”
When a client or friend tells me about a change they’re eager to make and I have some doubts, rather than rain on their parade I sometimes say, “It sounds like you’re really excited about this. You may be right; I’m not sure I see it that way, so let’s play it out. What are some potential benefits and risks of doing this?” Then we explore it together.

• Dealing with the force of floodwaters
America’s rivers are flooding more than ever before, the result of climate change. In the twentieth century communities built levees – walls set back a bit from the river – to reduce flooding. In recent decades scientists have found that levees do more harm than good; they can actually increase the risk of major floods. Now they’re lowering the levees and creating floodplains, where the excess water spreads out and is temporarily stored, reducing flooding and erosion and improving wildlife habitat. Rather than fighting the force of rivers, these communities are allowing rivers to follow their natural paths.

• Say “Yes, and …”
In the world of improv comedy, the key rule is to take what your partner has just said and add to it: say “yes and …” As comedian Tina Fey writes, “The first rule of improvisation is agree … When you’re improvising, you’re required to agree with whatever your partner has created. The second rule of improv is to not only say yes, but ‘yes, and.’ You’re supposed to agree and then add something of your own.”

Saying “yes, and” in the workplace can be an effective way to encourage creativity. When someone responds to an idea by saying “yes, but …” they’ve just negated what the other person offered. For instance: you think an idea has merit, and you’re worried about the cost. Saying “yes, but it’ll cost too much” may end the discussion (and cancel a potentially good idea). Saying “yes, I think I get your idea. And I’d like to figure out how we can afford it” will lead to more discussion and possibly a usable answer.

What if you’re thinking, “Yes, but …” right now?

The “yes, and” approach can be challenging. It’s difficult to say “yes” when you’re thinking, “Hell no, that’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard!” Think of it this way: saying “yes, and” can be another way of indicating you understand the idea but want the person to reconsider it. Indeed, the Japanese word for “yes” – “hai” – often means, “I understand what you’re saying.”

Creativity expert Chic Thompson has a simple yet powerful way of responding to others’ ideas when your first reaction is negative. Chic calls it curiosity before criticism. Unless an idea is clearly out of the question, make your first reaction one of curiosity. “Interesting, how’d you come up with that?” Or “I never would have thought of that; what are some potential advantages in going that direction?” Once you’ve explored the idea, then it’s time for criticism (meaning, subject it to some standards): Is it feasible? Who might oppose it? Can we afford it? Like saying “yes, and,” Chic’s approach requires us to suspend judgment and give the idea a chance.

Some years ago, a Massachusetts congressman was being vilified for his position on a certain bill by a congressman from Wyoming. The member from Wyoming went at the other congressman for quite a while, his voice rising, his face getting red, even beating his desk for emphasis. When he finally paused to catch his breath, the Massachusetts congressman inquired: “Am I to understand that the gentleman from Wyoming is thinking of taking my wife and me off of his Christmas list?

There was a brief silence, and then members of both parties broke out in wild laughter. The congressman from Wyoming tried to continue his tirade but got confused, forgot the point he was making and soon sat down. Like FDR, the congressman from Massachusetts demonstrated that humor can be a savvy way to use other’s forces rather than fight them.

When can you use forces rather than fight them?

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Adapted from Russ’ new book: Loss and Discovery: What the Torah Can Teach Us about Leading Change. [more info]

How the Story of Chanukah Advises Us to “Protect the Core”

You may have heard this cute saying among Jewish people describing the observance of many holidays: “They tried to kill us. We prevailed. Let’s eat.” There’s some truth to it. And it certainly describes the Chanukah story most of us learned growing up: In the second century BCE, the Holy Land was ruled by the Syrian Greeks who tried to force the Jews to forget their core values and belief in one God, and accept Greek culture. Against all odds, a small band of faithful but poorly armed Jews, led by Judah the Maccabee, defeated one of the mightiest armies on earth, drove the Greeks from the land, and rededicated the Temple in Jerusalem to the service of God.

That’s true, but it’s not the whole truth. And, in my mind, it’s not the most important truth. Here’s what most of us weren’t taught:

The cosmopolitan nature of Greek culture intrigued many Jews. It was modern, sophisticated, intellectual. But it also focused on physical pleasures and crass entertainment – hedonistic parties, naked wrestling matches and the like – which were in direct conflict with core Jewish values. As some Jews started to enjoy the Greek ways, Jewish leaders pushed back, worried about assimilation and the loss of the fundamental teachings of the Torah. (“Torah” literally means “instruction” or “guidance,” and contains the body of wisdom and law in Jewish scripture.)

The more Jews who assimilated, the greater the danger of permanent harm to the spirit and existence of the Jewish people. The Maccabees sided with those who wanted to maintain Jewish values. Violence broke out and the Maccabees took power. Sadly, they became corrupt and created lasting political divisions. It was a very bad time for the Jews.

At Chanukah, we celebrate the Maccabees’ remarkable feats against a huge military, as we
should. But I believe the civil war of ideas among Jews that led to violence back then is what’s relevant, and troubling, to us today. Israelis have never been more divided over social and political issues than they are now. And there’s a growing distance between most American Jews and an Israel that doesn’t look like what its founders envisioned.

Our people’s greatest threat isn’t external; it’s within. This is a critical lesson for anyone aspiring to leadership. We need to remind ourselves of our powerful shared values, which are far more significant than our many differences.

The New Year, a Fresh Start: How to Tap into Your Strengths For Real Change

For many Jews, the High Holidays are a time of introspection followed by a desire to improve. It’s our time for introspection as well as a new year, so sentiments are similar to anyone’s “new beginnings.” We’ve acknowledged our human frailties, the many times we went astray: now what? Where do we start? It can seem overwhelming. It can also leave us anxious: what if I commit to some change, and fail (like I did last year)? Better not to try at all?

Don’t despair. There’s a strategy for change and improvement that may give you confidence:

Use a strength to address a shortcoming.
Here’s an example:

Charlie Gilchrist was a competent, bright, driven man. First in his Harvard Law School class, he got into politics and became County Executive for Montgomery County, MD. He came across as totally work oriented, direct, in a hurry, a no-nonsense guy. Political observers expected him to become Maryland’s governor.

One day he called his Director of Human Resources, Chuck Short. Chuck’s wife had just given birth to a child who was born blind, with life threatening conditions. He asked Chuck how his baby was doing. Chuck replied, “OK, his blood work looked good today, we’re praying for him … What can I do for you, Charlie?”

“Nothing,” Charlie said. “You can’t do anything for me Chuck. I was really concerned about your little boy and just wanted to know how he was doing.”

That call had a powerful impact on Chuck Short, one that lasted for decades. When Gilchrist asked about his struggling infant, he was sincere. They talked a while; Charlie, wasn’t in his usual fast-paced business mode. Gilchrist was using one of his strengths – he was a good listener—to deal with one of his weaknesses, that he didn’t seem concerned about his staff.

Chuck Short learned from that interaction. He started calling or sending a short note to a staff member every day, asking about a work or personal matter. Decades later, Short recalled, “it’s amazing how many people mentioned that note or call I’d made. It really impacted them.”

What strengths do you have that can help you improve on a weakness?

A Jewish New Year Message That’s Relevant to Everyone

The Jewish High Holidays, Rosh Hashanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), offer a guide for introspection. We’re told to pause, take stock, confess our sins and repent: What have we contributed, to our family, our community, ourselves? Where did we go astray, do something harmful to someone else or to ourselves?

The Hebrew word “chet” is frequently used during the holiday services. Chet is usually translated as “sin.” But it comes from the Hebrew verb meaning “to miss the mark,” which conveys a very different meaning. As author Debra Darvick has written, “At a most basic level we Jews view sin not as a permanent birth stain upon our humanity, but as a regrettable action whose effect can be remedied.” Consider a dart board: if you throw a dart and it misses the board entirely, the dart isn’t defective, nor should we assume its user is a bad person. The user had poor aim. And that mistake can be corrected.

Another word we read throughout the High Holidays is “teshuvah.” It’s usually translated as “repentance” but it literally means “return,” as in turning back to something you’ve strayed from. So let’s put these two words together. The High Holidays call on us to acknowledge where we’ve missed the mark (chet), and then to repent (teshuva) by returning to something we’ve lost. Repentance also involves making amends with those we may have hurt.

Fine and good, but what are we to return to? The rabbis over the centuries have interpreted teshuvah as a return to: oneself, our core values, the essence or root of our soul, to God. To put it another way, we must return to our core, however we might define that.

The Jewish High Holidays call on us to:
• Identify where we’ve missed the mark
• Repent
• Return to what’s at our core

Some of our finest public and private organizations are successful, in large part, because they are fiercely dedicated to what they consider to be their core. For some organizations the core involves certain key disciplines. At the 3M Company, for example, that includes continual innovation and collaboration. For some, the core is about fundamental values. The U.S. Marines have long embraced the values of honor, courage and commitment. These aren’t just parts of a slogan, they’re baked into their training, evaluation, promotion and other key Marine processes.

And for others, the core is made up of their employees. FedEx, one of our most trusted companies, is committed to their P-C-P philosophy: create a positive work environment for the People (their employees) and they’ll provide world-class service to the Customers. The result: increased Profits, driven by delighted customers who keep using FedEx.

Leadership expert Stephen Covey used to preach, “The main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing.” My initial reaction to this idea was negative; it seemed a bit cutesy. But I’ve come to see its wisdom. It challenges us to first figure out what our “main thing” is, and that’s not always clear. The Jewish High Holidays call on us to think deeply about what our main thing – our core – is.

If we’re to do that, as teshuvah suggests, we first must determine what that core is. And that is a search worthy of our greatest efforts.

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Adapted from Russ’ new book: Loss and Discovery: What the Torah Can Teach Us about Leading Change. [more info]

Empathy: Where Does it Come From? Why Does it Matter?

“This is a story about something that made an enormous difference in my life.” That’s how Mr. Minnis Ridenour describes a remarkable moment during a visit to Kyiv, Ukraine in 2005. At the time, Ridenour was Executive VP and Chief Operating Officer at Virginia Tech. He heard a member of his Methodist church talk about the church’s relief work in Ukraine. Minnis was moved by the man’s description of young children living on the streets of Kyiv, and soon made a visit there with other church members.

What he saw in Kyiv was distressing: children under the age of ten with no permanent homes, sniffing glue, being mistreated, some sexually abused. Minnis visited a facility where some of the homeless kids spent their daytimes; it was dark, sparse, with no cooking facilities. He and a few of the kids went out to pick up food for the kids who were there. It was a cold, snowy day, and one of the boys asked how he could get a cap like the one Minnis was wearing. Seeing that the boy had no head covering, Minnis took his Virginia Tech cap and gave it to the boy. A while later, as the snow kept falling, the boy gave it back to him, telling a translator who was with the group, “He needs it more than me.”

Minnis later recounted, “’He needs it more than me.’ Those six words touched me deeply.” When he returned home he sent 30 Virginia Tech caps to the facility where those boys spent their days. “I felt a calling because these kids’ needs were so great.” But he couldn’t act on that feeling while working at Tech.

So Minnis retired, giving him time to follow his passion. He and others convinced the members of the Blacksburg United Methodist Church (BUMC) to do something substantial for the Kyiv children. During a 3-week period, they raised over $340,000 to buy and renovate a building in the city to house homeless boys. That money leveraged another $120,000. The result: the creation of the Spring of Life Family Center, which includes a variety of services for the boys, as well as a Methodist Church. (It provided services until Russia invaded Ukraine; now it’s used as a shelter to keep people safe from the bombings.)

Minnis and other members of his church have returned to the Kyiv center several times. On his most recent trip he and his party were going to a new facility for homeless boys when he noticed two young men walking toward the facility. One of them had blood on his face. When Minnis looked closely, he realized, “That’s the boy who returned my cap years ago!” The translator explained, “These people always know they have a home here when they need it.”

The Kyiv center was only the start of the BUMC members’ efforts. They also created an educational program which ordains young men, giving them the leadership skills to do social justice work – addressing poverty, providing health care and the like. And BUMC has opened a Methodist Academy in Africa, the first of three planned for that continent.

Where does empathy come from?

Sometimes it comes from our parents. That was true for Minnis Ridenour. “My parents instilled good values in us. My high school was one of the first to be integrated in the South. It caused huge havoc; in fact, the high school was bombed. Dad made a point of telling me, ‘I don’t want to ever hear you speak negatively about blacks. A black person has the same value you do, the same rights that you have.’”

Empathy can also develop from personal experiences that make a huge impact, which happened to FDR when he got polio. The only child of wealthy parents, he was handsome, athletic and charming. Then the disease hit at age 39. He began to meet people from different backgrounds while recuperating. Their struggles were his struggles, and that opened his mind and heart.

The Biblical character Joseph also learned empathy from a powerful event. He grew up as his father’s favorite, an arrogant young man who so angered his brothers that they threw him in a pit, expecting him to die. He survived but later landed in prison on false charges. When he noticed two prisoners who seemed downcast, he asked what was bothering them. It was the first time he’d ever shown concern for others. Like FDR, Joseph suddenly lost control over his life through no fault of his own, and met others in the same situation.

Grant Tate, an excellent executive coach and author, has helped clients develop empathy by asking them to identify someone so different from themselves that they can’t figure the person out. “Then I suggest the client try to get to know them; ask questions in the spirit of curiosity, and simply listen. It helps the client learn how to understand others.” Many psychologists also receive empathy training. During graduate school they’re taught to listen for and reflect their clients’ feelings, e.g., “That must have been really frustrating.”

Does empathy matter?

Ask people if it matters in their relationships with a spouse/partner, or close friends, and most will say, “Of course!” But empathy’s importance goes beyond intimate relationships.

Research studies show that patients who perceive their doctor as empathetic have more confidence in the doctor. And that results in greater adherence to their doc’s treatment recommendations, resulting in better health outcomes. Leading medical schools have been teaching empathy skills for years, with impressive results. Their graduates have lower rates of burn-out and their patients are more satisfied with their treatment.

And in the bottom-line corporate world, empathy is being recognized as a key skill. Managers who try to understand their employees’ needs and feelings are rated higher by their own managers – and by their employees – than managers who don’t show empathy.

Our parents can instill empathy, major life events can promote it, we can develop it by getting to know others very different from ourselves. And it makes a big difference in our work and personal lives. Empathy gives us insight. It allows us to develop connections with others and with causes larger than ourselves. Empathy led a homeless boy on the snowy streets of Kyiv to give a stranger his hat back, because “he needs it more than me.”

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Adapted from Russ’ new book: Loss and Discovery: What the Torah Can Teach Us about Leading Change. [more info]

The Power of Probing Questions

In 1983 Apple Computers was looking for a new CEO. Steve Jobs was brilliant when it came to new products, but he was a terrible manager. So, the board asked Jobs to find a promising CEO. After interviewing 20 candidates, Jobs decided that Pepsi executive John Sculley was his choice. When Jobs asked him to lead Apple, Sculley said no. He didn’t want to leave Pepsi. Jobs kept asking, Scully kept declining.

Jobs made a final pitch. He asked Sculley one question: “Do you want to sell sugar water to teenagers for the rest of your life, or come to Appel and change the world?” Sculley said the question landed like “a punch to the gut.” He took the job. Years later Sculley reflected on his decision: “I came out of the world of corporate combat. If Pepsi went up, Coke had to go down. It was a zero-sum game. These guys [at Apple] were talking about a ‘noble cause.’ I had never heard those words before. It stuck with me.”

Sometimes the best way to get someone to change is to take the direct route; say what you want and give them a reason. But that often doesn’t work. If you want your spouse/partner, your adolescent kid or a subordinate to change a habit, it can get complicated. There’s a back story; you need to think about timing and whether it’ll just make person defensive; about your ongoing relationship. Rather than telling the person you want them to change something, what if you were to ask this person what I call a probing question? Here’s an example:

When I started writing a new book in 2019, I asked Warren Blank and two others to read and critique drafts of the manuscript. Warren is a gifted instructor and author. After he read the book’s Introduction, I learned that he’s also a skillful coach. When I asked him a few questions about the Intro, Warren said, “Actually, Russ, I wanted to start by asking you a question. If you had to summarize what your book is about in 30 seconds, what would you say?”

After I talked for a couple of minutes, I laughed. Then Warren joined in. It became clear that I couldn’t state the book’s overriding purpose in a few words. Warren had asked one simple (and fundamental) question. He didn’t have an answer in mind. He thought that the Intro was fuzzy, but rather than say so he asked his question.

Asking a probing question – one that asks the person to reflect on what they’re doing or how they’re thinking – has many advantages. It’s an invitation, not a demand. The person is free to think without pressure. It helps the person reflect on their assumptions and beliefs. Sometimes, it leads to enormous change. For instance:

In 1988, when leadership expert Jim Collins was in his first year on the Stanford University faculty, he wanted feedback on his teaching. So, he asked an older colleague, John Gardner, for his thoughts. Gardner, former Sec. of Health, Education and Welfare and founder of Common Cause, knew the power of probing questions. He made it brief: “Jim, it occurs to me that you spend too much time trying to be interesting. Why don’t you invest more time being interested?” Later, Collins reported that this one question changed his life. He needed to become an active learner and stop trying so hard to impress others.

When a probing question is part of a story, one that grabs us, it can be especially effective. That happened at a fund raiser I attended. The attendees had all decided to donate, the only question was, how much? When the leader made his pitch, he ended with this story:

“The Sea of Galilee is beautiful. Its water is deep blue, it is full of fauna and flora. Life exists. Trees line its banks. The Jordan River feeds the sea, coming down from the north. The Jordan continues flowing south from the Sea of Galilee. and ends in the Dead Sea. This sea is well named. There are no fish, no birds above, no trees along its banks. Nobody would ever drink its water.”

What makes this enormous difference? The Jordan River? The soil? The people? No. So, what is the difference?

“For every drop that flows into the Sea of Galilee, another drop flows out. The Sea of Galilee gives as it receives. But the Dead Sea only keeps. It has no outlet. Every drop stays there. The Sea of Galilee gives, lives, and flourishes. The Dead Sea keeps everything, shares nothing and is dead. Which kind of sea do you want to be?”

As you can guess, I donated more than I’d expected! I’m sure many others did the same.
Sometimes a probing question can be used to reframe a conversation when it’s not going the way you want. Here’s a great example:

A musician named Calvin Earl was trying to line up support for a Congressional resolution to ‘Recognize the African American Spiritual as a National Treasure and honor the enslaved Africans for their gifts and contributions to our Nation.’ When he asked one Congressman to sign on as a co-sponsor, the man answered, “We’ve never had slaves in America, and I don’t know what a spiritual is!” Calvin described what happened next:
“I just took a deep breath, understanding that his intention was to be demeaning to me. I explained that a spiritual was an original song created by the enslaved Africans here in America. Then I said, ‘Did your grandmother sing one of the spirituals to you as a young boy?’ At that point I began singing the African American spiritual ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot.’ After I sang a few bars of the song, he asked me to hand him the legislation and he signed on as a co-sponsor.”

A changed heart? Of course not. That wasn’t Calvin’s goal. Rather than take the bait when the man said, “We’ve never had slaves in America,” he reframed this as a part of the man’s memory. He changed it from the political to the personal.

Finally, the Torah includes several probing questions. One occurs near the beginning, after Adam and Eve eat the forbidden fruit, become frightened and try to hide from God. God calls out, “Where are you?” It’s a rhetorical question; God obviously knows where they are. What did the question mean? Some religious commentators suggest that God is asking something specific: now that you have disobeyed me, have you changed your mind? Do you regret your act? Others believe that “Where are you?” is far broader. It is God’s question to us all: Where are you in the world? What have you accomplished?

So … where are you? What probing questions have helped you rethink something important about your life? Is there a probing question you want to ask someone else?

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Adapted from Russ’ new book: Loss and Discovery: What the Torah Can Teach Us about Leading Change. [more info]