Two Paths Toward Optimism

This is the third in a series on optimism.

A psychologist told me about a colleague’s first meeting with a client. The client was a hard-driving, perfectionist New York City executive who felt the need to change his ways. He sought a therapist and several friends suggested the same person, so he called her office for an appointment. He was told the earliest opening was four months away, and he took it. On the morning of the appointment, he ran into terrible traffic. He got frustrated, furious, (he was used to being in control), and ended up 20 minutes late.

He rushed into the therapist’s office, sat down breathless, and started apologizing profusely. After a minute or two he paused. The therapist smiled and said, “But you made it!”

Sometime later he told friends he was relieved and grateful for that reaction, but mostly surprised. “I never imagined this kind response! It opened me up to all kinds of new and different thoughts and ideas.” The man realized how much his perfectionist standards were weighing him down. “In the past all I could do was battle against myself. My therapist showed me how I could focus more usefully. Not on my mistakes, which was always my pattern, but on the power of working towards something better. She was focused on my strengths.”

The harried exec’s experience reflects two of the strategies for developing optimism:

1. Reflect on the things you do that bring you down; look for alternatives.

This may seem obvious. But some people aren’t aware of their depressing habits. For instance, many have become obsessed with bad news. Unfortunately, the wizards who create social media know how to get us hooked by continually feeding us negative stories. There’s a term for this: “doomscrolling.” The medias’ algorithms feed us more of what we click on, and (sadly) some people get addicted.

Sometimes we need others to help us escape this negative cycle. In the award-winning film “The King’s Speech” the son of a British king is petrified about succeeding his father because of a life-long stammer. A warm but firm tutor helps him reduce his stammer. He also realizes that the future king is weighed down by thoughts of his overbearing father. Then the man becomes king, and is paralyzed at the thought of giving a speech that the country expects.

The king: Is the nation ready for two minutes of radio silence?

The tutor: Every stammerer is afraid of going back to step one; I don’t let that happen.

King: I could give a Christmas speech.

Tutor: Like your dad used to do.

King: Precisely. (he looks depressed)

Tutor: He’s not here anymore.

King: Yes he is, he’s on the shilling I gave you (the tutor had loaned him a shilling; British coins carry the images of past leaders)

Tutor: Easy enough to give away. You don’t have to carry him around in your pocket anymore. You don’t need to be afraid of the things you were afraid of when you were five … You’re very much your own man now.

Previously, the new king assumed his father would always control his thoughts and actions. But he trusted his tutor and took his words to heart. He worked hard and improved his speech, which helped him get his father’s long-time criticisms out of his head. And with war looming, he successfully gave a speech that lifted the nation’s confidence in him.

You might be thinking, I’ve tried to let go of my negative habits, but they persist. Now what? Fair question. I recently had a client who was being stalked online. It was horrific. For months the stalker wrote things like, “I know where you live. I know about your kids [and he named them], and where they go after school … here’s what I’m going to do to them when you’re not looking …” Her attorney ultimately found the man and he’s now in prison, but until then her life was hell.

She finally found a way to stop obsessing all day by using the “Las Vegas rule.” That’s what many gamblers do before a night at the casino; they decide to stop gambling once they lose a certain amount of money. My client applied that rule to time; she gave herself 15 minutes every morning to rant, rage, scream, write down her fantasies of capturing and killing the stalker … and then she went to work with her mind cleared. She couldn’t eliminate her obsession, but she did contain it.

If you have trouble letting go of negative thoughts, try the “Las Vegas rule.”

2. Reframe: Make something meaningful out of the experience.

The story of the therapist’s comment to her client is a wonderful example of reframing: “But you made it!” She didn’t deny his late arrival; she understood New York traffic but was more interested in the fact that he persisted and got to the meeting.

Numerous schools have used reframing to help struggling students improve in class. They’ve changed their grading system: instead of A, B, C, D, F, it’s now A, B, C, D, and NY. “NY”? That stands for Not Yet. The teachers aren’t pretending that a lousy paper or exam is good. They’re telling the student, “It’s not good, yet; but I have confidence that you can improve it.”

These schools are helping students reframe how they think about their academic performance, and there’s considerable evidence that it’s working. This short video describes the power of “yet,” in the classroom and elsewhere.

Here’s a different reframing example, one that includes both the first and second strategies. A friend of mine went through a messy, angry divorce. Whenever she thought about her ex she got furious. When her son Billy talked about missing his dad, she had trouble empathizing. She knew that Billy needed to hear good comments about his dad but she couldn’t provide them. Not, that is, until she had a powerful insight: “I realized one day that my most important job was to help Billy’s dad be the best co-parent he could be. It’s the most important because that’s what Billy needs.’”

Reframing can help us identify what’s most important in our lives.

She’d been putting her needs above her son’s. Once she reframed the goal, she was surprised how quickly her mindset and behaviors changed. She verbally patted herself on the back whenever she told Billy he had a good dad, whenever she helped her ex find fun activities to do with Billy.

Finally, using humor can be an excellent way to reframe situations and maintain optimism. Humor helps us get above the situation and detach from problems over which we have no control. John Kennedy was a master at this. He developed a sense of humor as a child when he experienced serious illnesses and found that humor helped distract him. Years later during the 1960 election campaign his opponents kept complaining about the Kennedy family’s wealth. During one speech he addressed the issue head-on: “I just received a wire from my generous dad. ‘Dear Jack, don’t buy a single vote more than is necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide!’”

Needless to say, none of his opponents dared bring up his wealth again.

Nelson Mandela: From Angry Freedom Fighter to Optimistic Statesman

This is the second in a series on optimism.

“The young man who went into prison was hot-headed, tempestuous, self-involved, not anything like the Nelson Mandela who emerged. Prison burned all of those excesses away.” That’s what Rick Stengel, former editor of Time magazine, said about Mandela. “Prison made the Nelson Mandela we know today. I asked him how prison had changed him; he said, ‘I came out mature.’”

    Mandela spent 27 years in prison, often laboring in the sweltering sun that damaged his eyesight. He’d been a militant who thought brute force was the only way to end the vicious system of apartheid. How did Mandela evolve from a vengeful, defiant prisoner who scorned his jailers, into a thoughtful man who befriended his jailers, developed the negotiating skills of a seasoned statesman and convinced the all-white government to hold democratic elections? His story reflects some of the important strategies for attaining optimism in very difficult times.

Mandela had been given a life sentence. With no idea when, if ever, he’d be a free man he reflected on his life and the costs of being an activist: his kids didn’t know him; his wife (with whom he spent precious little time) had to do everything for the family; he had become an angry, bitter man. As he told Oprah Winfrey in 2001, “Before I went to jail I was busy from 7 A.M. until midnight. I never had time to sit and think … But in a single cell in prison I had time to reflect. I had a clear view of my past and present, and I found that my past left much to be desired, both in regard to my relations with other humans and in developing personal worth.”

Mandela used his 27 years in prison to reflect on his life, and decided he had to change

He realized he had to let go of his vengefulness and decided to embark in what he later called “the most difficult task in life…changing yourself.” Rather than let the brutal experience of his tiny jail cells discourage or embitter him, he found ways to make it meaningful:

• He analyzed the routines of prison life and saw that it was all designed to break the inmates’ spirits. Thus, as he put it, “the challenge is how to survive prison intact, how to conserve and even replenish one’s beliefs.”
• He and his fellow inmates agreed to share any information they had, every bit of knowledge they gained about the prison warders (South African term for prison guards). That way, Mandela said, “We gained strength from each other.”
• He spent time studying law, and urged other inmates to study. He earned a law degree, and used his legal knowledge to help other prisoners with their legal appeals.
• He studied the warders and found ways to connect with some of them – reading newspapers to the illiterate ones, talking about rugby, asking about their families.
• He and his colleagues kept up with current events by grabbing every newspaper that their warders left.
• He maintained a focused attitude;  they would make the best use of their prison time, share information and learn from each other to be better leaders once released.

Nelson Mandela was a unique individual. That said, the approaches he used during his prison years can help all of us be more optimistic:

• Look forward: stop doing things that bring you down
• Reframe: make something meaningful out of the challenge
• Connect with people and activities that give you energy
• Be forgiving of yourself and others; let go of perfectionism
• Focus on what’s at the core of your life
• Remember: Attitude is a choice

Let’s look at each:

Reflect on the things you do that bring you down: look for alternatives. Mandela saw that his militant strategy wasn’t helping his people, and his lifestyle had damaged him and his family. He made a commitment to improve himself and searched for a better strategy to end apartheid.

Reframe: make something meaningful out of the challenge. Rather than let the drudgery of prison life embitter him, he developed numerous ways to make it a positive, learning experience – for himself and his fellow inmates.

Connect with people and activities that give you energy. Mandela’s efforts to learn the law and use his knowledge to help other inmates gave his prison life a sense of meaning and purpose. He was energized by the way “the stronger ones raised up the weaker ones,” as he wrote in his autobiography.

Be forgiving of yourself and others; let go of perfectionism. Before prison he sought radical change and had little use for others who chose a different path. As he matured he discovered more pragmatic strategies. He preached that “Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That’s why it is such a powerful weapon.” And he strongly backed the Truth and Reconciliation Commission that allowed those guilty of abuses to request amnesty.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That’s why it is such a powerful weapon.”

Focus on what’s at the core of your life. Mandela was passionate about helping people of color in South Africa gain their freedom and their rights. That was his north star. Then as president he widened that focus and demonstrated his commitment to the rights and dignity of all people. Doing so disappointed his most militant supporters, but saved the country from civil war.

Attitude is a choice. Despite terrible prison conditions, Mandela chose to treat his warders with respect. He maintained his own self-respect and dignity, and soon learned that many of the warders respected his strength and gave him and others extra privileges.

It’s important to note that Mandela didn’t begin his time in prison by wondering how he could be happier and more optimistic. No, he began by asking how he could improve his life and that of the other inmates. As he started changing his behaviors and attitudes, he made progress; first with fellow inmates, then with his warders, then the prison superintendent, and ultimately with South Africa’s leaders. Happiness and optimism followed. It’s a remarkable legacy.

How Can We Retain Optimism in Troubling Times?

This is the first in a series on optimism.

On Feb. 27, 2024, Daniel Gwynn walked out of prison a free man after serving almost 30 years for a crime he didn’t commit. The prosecutors withheld evidence that could have exonerated him. This has happened to countless others, and many of them become hopeless and embittered. Not Daniel Gwynn. He maintained a “light within him” and kept his hopes up despite a prison life he described as “sitting here trapped in a box where the days tick away and the walls close in like a trash compacter.” How did he do it?

It began when he learned to paint (by reading self-help books). He wrote that it became his therapy, “a form of meditation that helped me work through my issues.” But it was more than that. He entered art competitions and raised money to help mentally ill prisoners and family members of murder victims. Gwynn wrote, “Where I once thought that all hope was lost, I’ve been able to open my heart to a variety of good people who had the courage and compassion to take a chance on me. I don’t believe I could have survived this situation on my own.” 

In a word, Daniel Gwynn was optimistic.

Americans have historically been an optimistic people. The French philosopher Alexis de Tocqueville, writing about American in the 1830s, noted that “Americans all have a lively belief in the perfectibility of man … They all consider society as a body in a state of improvement.” I doubt that de Tocqueville would recognize America today. Consider:

• 77% of Americans are convinced crime is skyrocketing. They’re dead wrong. In 2023 the number of U.S. murders went down 13%, the largest drop on record. Other violent crimes also declined in significant numbers.

• A 2023 Gallup study found that 50% of Americans believe the media intend to misinform us.

• Americans are pessimistic about our major institutions. For 40 years Gallup has been monitoring trust in the presidency, police, big business, Congress, the Supreme Court, the military, small business and several others. Confidence has gone down in all but two of them: small business and the military.

• “Deaths of despair” – caused by drugs, suicide, alcohol poisoning – are at their highest level since records have been kept. Some sociologists posit that the underlying cause is a sense that one’s long-term social and economic prospects are bleak. Interestingly, a study of 16 other wealthy countries that found a decrease in such deaths, perhaps due to the fact that they provide more communal support than we do.

77% of Americans are convinced crime is skyrocketing. They’re dead wrong.

And here’s the irony: If Americans have been losing confidence in our institutions and in our country’s future for some time, others see us quite differently. A 2022 Pew Research Center study in 17 countries showed that 61% of respondents have a positive view of the U.S.

So what? Why worry about Americans’ pessimism?

The fact is, we Americans prefer leaders who are optimists. Our most popular presidents – Lincoln, FDR, Jefferson, Truman, Eisenhower, Teddy Roosevelt, among others – were optimists. They reflected America’s can-do spirit, the belief that tomorrow can be better than today and that we can make it so. When most people have some trust in their government, they’re more likely to pay their taxes, follow advice about vaccines, believe their elections are fair.

Optimism is also critical for social change. It took the suffrage movement 70 years for women to get the vote. It took 127 years to abolish slavery (the first known abolitionist activity was in 1738), 100 years to end segregation, decades to give women and gays equal rights (and we’re not finished). These movements’ leaders had to be optimists. How else could they keep fighting when their opponents put up barriers every step of the way?

Americans prefer optimistic leaders

Our lack of optimism also harms us at the personal level. Researchers have learned that compared to others, optimists:

• Live longer
• Have a higher sense of mental and physical well being
• Recover faster from many illnesses
• Are more engaged and productive at work
• Are more resilient; they bounce back from misfortune more frequently.

What causes pessimism at the personal level?

Lots of things. Consider the media: negative stories have far more impact than positive ones. And when we click on a negative story, the website’s algorithm remembers that and sends us more of the same. That can lead to “doomscrolling;” continually surfing the web for awful stories. And let’s face it; there’s lots of scary news these days. Becoming consumed with terrible news saps our energy and harms our mental health. Genetic factors also play a role with some people. And people who’ve had traumatic experiences are more prone to pessimism.

“Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their demons.” – Denzel Washington

In addition, pessimism has likely been a factor in our species’ survival. Our ancient ancestors who were constantly alert to threats were more likely to survive. If you have a friend or colleague who routinely comes up with 7 reasons why your new idea is likely to fail, don’t label them an impossible skeptic. They’re doing what many are wired to do; anticipating and avoiding problems. And it’s just possible that they’ve spotted an issue you haven’t seen. It turns out there are downsides to being an optimist; one is the tendency to miss warning signs.

Let’s get back to Daniel Gwynn, the man who was wrongfully imprisoned. He didn’t spend 30 years in a positive frame of mind. Far from it, he was frequently down. Optimism isn’t about putting on a happy face every day; it’s about hope for the future which helps us be resilient and look for ways to move forward. In Daniel’s case, his optimism helped him develop artistic talent, which gave him positive energy. It gave him a reason to get out of bed each morning. It helped him focus on others’ problems and provided a sense of purpose amidst so much despair.

How can we retain some optimism in these troubling times? I’ll offer several ways in upcoming blogs.

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Russ Linden is a leadership educator. His latest book: Loss and Discovery: What the Torah Can Teach Us about Leading Change [more info]